The Many, Many Mistakes of Lucius Malfoy
by TheBlindMusician
Summary: Complete. One-shot. What could go wrong with Lucius Malfoy living as a Muggle and learning to cook in a Muggle kitchen? In my opinion, a lot. Enjoy this funny, yet captivating story, as Lucius Malfoy discovers the true meaning of insults and forgiveness.


A/N: My friend and I were talking about kitchen appliances, of all things, and I said it would be funny to see a Pureblood with no knowledge of the Muggle world struggle in a Muggle kitchen. I wondered what would happen, so this is the result of my mind asking the age-old question: What if? I hope you enjoy this story as much as I enjoyed writing it.

…

The Many, Many Mistakes of Lucius Malfoy

Lucius Malfoy was not a particularly happy man at the moment. He had been stripped of his magical powers all because of whom he had chosen to be loyal to, during the last Wizarding war. Now, he was stuck living as a Muggle for ten bloody years! Ten years! Five if he was on his absolute best behavior. That was his punishment. At least he wasn't forced to spend his time in Azkaban, or worse, given the Dementor's Kiss, like the other Death Eaters. His wife, Narcissa, had been subjected to the same fate as him, but had been sent over into America to serve out her sentence. The only way that she was allowed to see him was if either took Muggle transportation, paying with Muggle money. That would require them to get jobs, however, as they were only given a month's allowance for necessities. And according to the Ministry, seeing each other was far from a necessity.

It was only thanks to his son, Draco, and Harry Potter, of all people, that he had been given this light sentence. Both had testified on behalf of the Malfoys, Draco having been coerced to the dark side by The Dark Lord himself, and Harry Potter having a good enough heart to show him some kindness that he did not feel he deserve. Mind you, Harry Potter's friend, Ron Weasley, hadn't wanted to forgive the Malfoys, as he resented the Death Eaters for killing his brother, Fred, but Hermione Granger, Harry's other friend was able to convince Ron that the Malfoys deserved a second chance.

At first Lucius had thought this would be easy. He knew enough about Muggles to live like them, right? After all, he had spent countless hours torturing them in their homes. He'd seen them use their stupid gadgets every now and again. Although he hadn't exactly been paying any attention to them, if he was being completely honest.

He would never understand why that blood traitor, Arthur Weasley, was so damn fond of the Muggles. How they hadn't managed to make things easier without magic was beyond him. If they only knew how much faster food cooked when it was cooked with magic. How quickly their colds, flus, and other ailments would go away, if they would only take potions. How their bones would heal instantly when their children were hurt with the help of magic. Life would be simpler for the Muggles if they only weren't so close-minded and superstitious.

The only bright side to this whole thing was that he was allowed to have witches and wizards visit, however they were not allowed to do any form of magic in his home, without prior consent from the Ministry of Magic. Seeing as how Kingsley Shacklebolt was the Minister, he doubted that would happen any time soon. Kingsley, as well as several others, believed that the Malfoys should live and be treated like Muggles, to Lucius' dismay.

At that very moment, the doorbell rang. Lucius approached, a scowl set in place. Upon opening the door, he eyed the tall man before him.

Severus Snape had made a full recovery from the bite of The Dark Lord's snake, Nagini. Seven months had been kind to him. He stood, hair still greasy, nose still hooked, eyes still black as night, scowl still set in place. And yet, he looked healthy. He wasn't as pale and not nearly as thin as he had been before. No doubt because people were forcing him to not be secluded in the dungeons as often as he had been before the war. Now that it was out that he had been on the side of the light, people constantly apologized to him, something which Lucius knew he absolutely detested to no end.

"Ah, Severus," Lucius greeted, stepping back to allow the young wizard in. "How have you been?"

"As well as can be expected with people breathing down my neck, apologizing for treating me so harshly over the years," Severus scowled. "They say they did not know I was acting as a spy, which was precisely the point. Had they known, my cover would have been blown, and I, along with Harry Potter and many others, would have been killed. They are all idiots."

Lucius shrugged. "I dare say no one will be apologizing to me any time in the near future," he said. "Although I do completely agree that I do, indeed, deserve this." He hung his head in shame.

"You do," Severus said silkily. "You most definitely do."

"Very comforting, Severus," Lucius said. "Very comforting indeed."

Severus tilted his head. "I speak only the truth," he said. "You and Narcissa were both lucky to get off the way you have. Did you know, they were considering giving you the Dementor's Kiss?"

Lucius shuddered. "I know," he said. "Don't remind me."

Severus smirked.

"I must admit I have been rather bored here," Lucius said. "What with Narcissa in America and Draco off with the Mud—erm-Muggle-born witch."

"Miss Granger," Severus said, pursing his lips at the almost spoken word.

"Yes, that one," Lucius said, shifting uneasily at his mistake. "Sorry, force of habit."

Severus nodded, but did not otherwise speak. He understood that Lucius was trying his best here, and that included changing the way he spoke of muggle-born witches and wizards. Sure, he was repentant for his actions, no one would deny that much, but it was true that old habits did die hard, especially when you were forced to use such language by The Dark Lord. Over time, Severus knew he would stop using the offensive word. Even now, Lucius was doing the best he could, and Severus felt he deserved some credit for trying.

.

"So…" Lucius continued. "Have you heard of their relationship?"

"I have," Severus said. "You would have to be completely cut out of society in order to not have heard that the son of a Death Eater is courting the brains of the Golden Trio."

"Do you support this?" Lucius asked.

Severus shrugged. "I am not one to dwell on my former student's relationships," he said.

"Hermione is still your student," Lucius reminded.

Severus sighed. Miss Granger had chosen to return to Hogwarts to complete her seventh year, unlike her two friends. He, like her, had returned to teaching, although it took a great deal of convincing from Minerva McGonagall. He had only agreed to return on the condition that she take the place of Headmistress. She had agreed, and subsequently, appointed him as deputy.

"Thank you for reminding me," Severus said. "I do believe it was a good choice on their parts. Mr. Weasley, I feel, would not have been an adequate choice for Miss Granger, given her brains and care for the rules, and Mr. Weasley's... lack thereof."

Lucius smirked. "Couldn't have said it better myself," he said.

Deciding he would rather not discuss this any further, Severus decided to change the subject. "What were you planning on doing today?"

"I was thinking about making some dinner," Lucius said. "Or…rather…attempt to make dinner."

"Have you managed to master any of the Muggle appliances yet?" Severus asked.

"I have only been here a week Severus," Lucius said. "The only thing I have managed to master, as you put it, is the microwave. The stove is too difficult for me."

"How?" Severus asked, sarcasm dripping from every word, as he stepped into the small kitchen. "It's a large contraption with coils on top with gas as a fuel source. What could be so difficult about that?"

Lucius glared at Severus, who smirked. "It's dangerous," he said.

Severus snorted. "Come here, you big baby," he said. "You put the House of Slytherin to shame with your cowardice."

"Excuse me? It's not my fault I can't use these stupid appliances," Lucius grumbled, following his friend into the kitchen.

"Yes, it is," Severus said. "You are a Slytherin, or...you were, that is. Stubborn, you are. Resourceful and smart, you are not."

"Harsh," Lucius muttered, opening the fridge and grabbing some hamburger meat.

"The truth hurts, doesn't it," Severus said, leaning against the counter. What is it that you wish to make, anyway?"

"Tacos, I suppose," Lucius said, placing the meat on the counter.

"Why tacos?" Severus couldn't help his curiosity from peaking.

Lucius shrugged. "it was the last meal Narcissa and I were allowed to eat before she was shipped off to America for her sentence," he explained. "We were taken to a Muggle Mexican restaurant in America, and the tacos looked interesting, so we both ordered some and found that we quite liked the taste."

"Have you tried making them before?" Severus asked.

Lucius shook his head. "No," he said. "but one of the neighbors from America said they weren't hard to make. He offered to help me make some, but I decline."

"Stubborn," Severus muttered. You would do well to accept the help from Muggles from time to time if you wish to come out of this sentence with more than just your life. What did you tell the neighbor, anyway? Surely, he inquired as to why you, a Brit, were interested in Mexican food?"

Lucius shrugged. "I told him an American friend recommended them to me," he said. "He believed me."

Severus sighed. "Very well," he said. "Again, I am the one to teach you yet another task. I taught you some of my own spells, how to brew simple potions, and how to not fail at life. What else must I teach you? I do believe you remember how to wipe your arse, am I correct?"

Lucius scowled. "No, I do believe you will have to teach me that again."

Severus stared at him, bewildered.

"Yes, of course I remember how to wipe my arse, you blithering idiot!" Lucius exclaimed. My dear mum taught me that when I was a babe!"

"My apologies," Severus said sarcastically. "I was under the impression that you have lost brain cells over the past week that you have been living here."

"I haven't," Lucius scowled. "Yet. But if you keep sticking around I will most certainly loose more than a few brain cells."

"I suppose it would be in your best interest to have me stick around then," Severus said. "Seeing as how little brain cells you already possess."

Lucius reached out and smacked Severus' shoulder with a spatula. Severus deftly grabbed the spatula and flipped it backwards, breaking off the handle in his two hands.

"That was my only spatula!" Lucius cried.

Severus shrugged, pulled out his wand, and fixed the spatula with a wave. "It so it will remain as such," he said. "Quit whining like a spoiled child, or I will be inclined to think you are one."

"You idiot!" Lucius cried, raising his fists. "You know no one is allowed to use magic in this house! Do you want me to get in trouble for your mistake?""

Severus shrugged, unperturbed. "Calm down," he said. "Hitting me will accomplish nothing. I have already spoken to the Minister about this visit, long before I came. I warned him that I may need to use some minor magic, especially with you involved."

Lucius scowled, but lowered his hands.

"Now, are you going to stand there and continue to shout at me, or are you going to start the meat?" Severus pointed to the meat on the counter."

"Show me how?" Lucius asked resignedly, pulling out a pan and setting it on the stove.

Severus nodded, setting the spatula on the counter. Moving to the stove, he turned the gas nob and showed Lucius how to adjust the heat. "As long as the pan is on the heat, you will be fine," he said. "Do not touch any of these other knobs."

"Why?" Lucius fiddled with one of the knobs.

"Don't," Severus barked, slapping Lucius' hand. "That is hot. Here. This is where low is. Medium. And high. Medium is where you want this knob so that the meat can cook. Medium high would be best, however, for this sake, medium will do. Open the meat and place it into the pot. The pot is heated now and may sizzle slightly when the meat is placed."

Lucius stepped next to Severus and opened the package of ground beef. Tentatively, he reached out and placed the meat into the pot. The meat sizzled slightly as it was added, causing Lucius to jerk back.

"After all you have faced, you are frightened by sizzling meat? Severus scoffed. "Take this and smash the meat." He handed Lucius a wooden spoon. "Break it, much like you would with a mortar and pestle to ground ingredients. The mortar is the pan, the pestle, the spoon."

Lucius began to ground the meat into the pot, stirring it as he did so, choosing to ignore Severus' harsh words. He knew he was only joking, but he still couldn't help but feel a bit hurt at the words. He shook his head briefly. Quit being so sensitive, he scolded himself. You are a grown adult who has seen and done more than any adult should, suck it up.

"This is much like Potion making," Lucius said, attempting to rid himself of those horrible memories. "I failed Potions."

"I am well aware of that," Severus said. "I helped you pass your final years at Hogwarts, while I was a mere child. I then proceeded to teach the subject and became a well-known Potions master in Europe."

Lucius set down the spoon, scowling. "Are you going to insult me the entire time you are here?" he asked.

"Most definitely," Severus said. "My character has not changed since we last met."

"Clearly," Lucius muttered.

"Would you rather I leave you to fester in your oh so pleasant memories?" Severus handed Lucius a packet of taco seasoning. "Open this and pour all of it into the meat," he instructed.

Lucius shook his head and did as he was told, stirring the meat as the seasoning was added. Once it had been thoroughly combined, Severus handed Lucius several jars of seasonings, as well as a set of measuring spoons.

"One tablespoon of salt," he said. "Two teaspoons of pepper. A quarter teaspoon of cumin. Taste the meat, then add more if needed. Here are more seasonings you may wish to try. Taste them first, before you add them to the mix"

Lucius nodded. "Can I taste it now?" he asked.

"Is it done?" Severus asked.

"How do I know if it's done?" Lucius stared at the bubbling meat.

"Is there any pink left?" Severus asked. "Is it brown?"

Lucius peered at the meat, stirring it. "It's done, I think," he said.

Severus nodded. "Taste," he said.

Lucius brought the meat to his mouth and tasted it. He dropped the spoon back into the pot and waved his hands about, breathing in and out in pants. "Hot," he breathed. "Hot!"

Severus sighed. "You daft dingo. You need to blow on the meat before you taste it," he said, pinching the bridge of his nose in irritation. "The meat was hot, unless you forgot."

"I wasn't thinking," Lucius said, moving to the sink and filling a glass with water. Drinking some of it, he moved back to the stove and added a little more pepper. He stirred the contents of the pot then set the spoon down.

"Clearly," Severus muttered.

"What now?" Lucius asked, ignoring the comment.

"The meat is done," Severus said, grabbing another pan and setting it on the burner next to the meat. Turning the knob, he poured some oil into the pan. "Wait for this to heat," he said. "Do not, under any circumstances, touch this. The oil is heating, and it will be hot. The shells will be cooked here." Pulling out a pack of tortillas from one of the shelves, he set them on the countertop. He turned to the fridge and dug for the cheese. He turned sharply at a loud exclamation from Lucius.

"Bloody hell that's hot!"

Lucius stood, ringing his hand out, teeth clenched in pain. In the pot behind him, Severus could see a tortilla frying to a hard shell.

"What did you do?" Severus howled, lunging forward to turn the oil off. "I told you not to touch it, you blasted fool!"

"I didn't touch it," Lucius said. "I didn't mean to, I mean. I wanted to flip the tortilla. I wasn't sure how to make the shells though, so I grabbed it."

Severus shook his head. "You have definitely lost some brain cells," he muttered. "Stay here, and do not touch anything. At all. In fact, I suggest you go into the living room and not return to the kitchen until I get back. I must return to the castle and retrieve some salve for your burn. I was not planning on you getting injured. However, in hindsight, that was a mistake on my part."

Lucius led the way out of the kitchen and walked Severus to the door. As he was leaving, Lucius said, "I won't last long here."

Severus paused on his way out and turned around. "You will learn in time," he said simply, before taking his leave.

Once he was gone, Lucius paced the living room, ringing his hand every now and then. He didn't like being here. It was very difficult. Though he supposed that was the point of this punishment. To make him suffer in a way he had not suffered before. To make him experience life as one of the people he had enjoyed torturing. He was starting to almost pity Muggles, and not out of arrogance, but actually pity them. If they only knew that things could be done so much easier with magic. They wouldn't need to burn themselves on gas stoves or hot meat. They could have house-elves do their work, if they were so fortunate, as he had been, to own some.

But alas, that fortune was no longer. He had no house-elves. No wand. No fireplace connected to the floo. He was forced to live completely like a Muggle. If they detected he was using any form of magic, his sentence would be lengthened.

Entering the kitchen once more, Lucius eyed the meat warily. It had cooled down by this point. Gingerly, he took a piece from the pot and tasted it. It was good! He had seasoned it well. Now he just needed the taco shells. Why he hadn't just gotten the pre-made taco shells, he didn't know. They looked to be a bit too crunchy, he reminded himself.

Pulling the fried tortilla from the oily pan, Lucius tossed it into the trash can, frowning. How could he have been so stupid? He knew not to touch hot stuff! He wasn't that stupid! Then again, maybe he had always been stupid and it had just taken this incident to learn just how stupid he truly was. To be fair, his house-elves had done the cooking before. It was only natural that he was bad at this. Terribly bad.

Walking over to the sink, Lucius ran his hand under cool water. It eased the burn's pain significantly, and he sighed in relief, letting his gaze wander.

"What the bloody hell is this?" Lucius muttered, eyeing a switch on the wall. "Why would there be a light here?" He flipped the switch up and jumped as a horrible sound greeted his ears. He flipped the switch down and stopped. Looking into the sink, he saw what looked like tiny blades in the drain.

Putting his hand into the drain, he pulled out a fork that must have gotten stuck there. Tossing it into the other side of the sink, Lucius bent forward to examine the drain more closely. He stuck his hand in the drain and flipped the switch again.

Pain. Pain. More pain. That was all he felt. With a yelp, Lucius turned off the device and looked down at his hand. His finger had been cut, and cut badly at that.

"I have to be the stupidest person there is," he muttered, running his finger under the water to attempt to stop the bleeding.

At the knock on his door, Lucius groaned. He really didn't want to have Severus find out what he had just done. He agreed, now, that he had definitely lost a good amount of brain cells.

Moving to the door, he opened it to find Severus standing there, but he was not alone. Behind him stood Draco and Miss Hermione Granger herself. Draco looked the same, dressed in black trousers and a grey shirt. Hermione was sporting a long blue skirt with a blue jumper. He scowled to himself and opened the door to allow them entry, hiding his injured hand in his pocket.

"What did you do now?" Severus asked, eyeing Lucius pocketed hand.

"What makes you think I did something?" Lucius asked guiltily.

"The expression on your face," Severus said, tilting his head and studying the man before him.

"I hate your ability to read others," Lucius muttered. "No doubt you used Legilimency?"

Severus shook his head and held out his hand. "Show me."

Reluctantly, Lucius withdrew his hand from his pocket and placed it into Severus' hand. Severus peered down, the slight twitch of his eyebrow the only sign of distress on his face.

"How daft can you get, man," he muttered, tilting Lucius' hand back and forth. "What did you do?"

Not meeting his son's eyes, Lucius looked down and found a sudden fascination with his shoes as he answered.

"I stuck my hand in the drain and flipped the switch thing, and got cut."

Hermione covered her mouth with her hand, eyes wide, and groaned. "No, Mr. Malfoy, you didn't."

"Lucius," Lucius muttered on instinct. "Call me Lucius, Miss Granger."

"Only if you call me Hermione," Hermione said.

Lucius nodded.

"You stuck your hand in the garbage disposal," Hermione said.

"And what, pray tell, is that?" Lucius asked.

"It sits in the drains," Hermione said. "If there's leftover food from dishes, it goes down the drain and into the garbage disposal. When you flip the switch, it turns on and breaks the contents down, sending them down the drain."

"That's stupid," Lucius muttered.

"You're only saying that because you got your hand cut," Draco said with a huff. "What were you trying to make, anyway?"

"Tacos," Severus put in. "The meat has already been cooked, but the shells need to be made. I must attend to Lucius' hand, however."

"We'll finish making the meal," Draco said, looking at his father, an unreadable expression crossing his face.

Lucius looked up from his shoes and into Draco's eyes. The boy smirked slightly.

"Can't even make a simple meal, can you, Father?" Draco sneered.

"Oh, leave him alone," Hermione said, pulling Draco's arm and dragging him into the kitchen. "You would do the same things he did, if not worse."

"That's not true," Draco said. "I know how to use Muggle appliances."

"Only because I taught you how to use them," Hermione challenged. "If I hadn't, you would have burned down the house by now!"

Draco grumbled inaudibly as they entered the kitchen. Lucius looked between them and Severus, eyebrows raised. Severus looked to him and smirked.

"Sit," he barked, gesturing to the couch.

Lucius sat.

Severus rummaged in his shoulder bag and pulled out a Muggle first-aid kit.

"Why a Muggle first-aid kit?" Lucius asked, as Severus got to work. "You could just fix my hand with magic. "you already got permission from the Minister to use magic. So why not take advantage of it?"

Severus shook his head. "You need a reminder why you should never do what I specifically told you not to do. Besides, it's only fitting that you get treated like a Muggle."

"You're a cruel man Severus Snape," Lucius muttered. "A very cruel man."

"I've been told that on several occasions," Severus smirked. "By many, many people."

"I can see why," Lucius muttered.

Severus snorted.

"I have to be the most idiotic man there is," Lucius said. "Things that I should know, I don't. Things that I shouldn't do, I do."

"Don't worry, old man," Draco said, popping his head out of the kitchen. "You're just losing your touch with reality. Nothing to worry about. Completely normal for someone your age."

"Harsh," Lucius muttered, as Hermione smacked his arm.

"Don't mind him, Lucius," Hermione said sympathetically. "He doesn't understand what it's like, living like a Muggle. We have some Muggle appliances, but not many."

Lucius nodded.

"Do you have cheese?" Hermione asked.

"In the fridge, bottom shelf," Lucius said. "Help yourself to food, if you wish. I dare say I made a lot of it. I have also lost a bit of my appetite after this whole fiasco."

Severus shook his head. "You aren't skipping out on meals while I am here, old man," he said, using Draco's term for Lucius.

"I don't plan on it," Lucius muttered.

Severus scoffed.

A few minutes later, Draco and Hermione exited the kitchen and entered the living room, carrying a tray of tacos and drinks.

"I wasn't sure if you wanted lettuce or tomatoes, so I put them on the side," Hermione said.

"Thank you," Lucius said.

"I can teach you how to cook, if you'd like," Hermione continued, setting the tray on the coffee table. Peering at Severus, she smirked, then added, a wicked glint in her eyes, "I can teach you how to cook pasta, stew vegetables, and even bake desserts in the oven. Then again, perhaps you possess abilities so formidable you find the need to disobey the simplest of orders?"

Severus snorted. "I assume that is a version of my well-known first-year Potions speech?" he asked.

Hermione nodded. "An attempt, at least," she said.

"A passable attempt," Severus amended.

"Coming from you, sir, that is a complement," Hermione said.

"Hardly," Severus drawled.

"Really, Lucius," Hermione said, returning her attention to the man. "Cooking won't be hard. I can show you easy things that taste delicious. Do you like sweets?"

Lucius shrugged.

"I will show you how to bake desserts, too," Hermione said, beaming.

"She is a good cook," Draco said.

Lucius nodded. "All right," he said. "I will learn under your instruction. I would rather not end this sentence with more scars than I undoubtedly will get otherwise."

"a wise choice," Severus said.

"You will be fine, Father," Draco said, placing his hand on Lucius' shoulder.

"I'm not too sure about that, son," Lucius muttered.

Draco sighed. "Have some faith in yourself," he said.

Lucius shook his head.

"I don't," he said.

"Well, I do," Draco said quietly. "I have a lot of faith in you. You and Mother made mistakes, but you learned from them and I'm proud of you for that, Father. It takes guts to agree to live like a Muggle, when you, yourself, hurt them in the past. We can all see how you regret that now, and we are all so proud of you."

"it's true," Hermione said.

Severus nodded. "I am harsh with you because I know you can do better than bringing yourself down. I know you do not take offense to what I say, usually. I do know, however, that you were slightly hurt by one of my earlier comments, and for that, I apologize."

Lucius nodded at the apology, hating how Severus could read people so well. "I don't bring myself down," he protested.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "You do," he said. "I can see it on your face. In your eyes. I won't stand for that."

"Neither will I," Hermione said. "You are better than that, Lucius."

"Thank you," Lucius said, feeling that his sentence may not be as bad as he had previously thought.


End file.
